If you were raising animals and the males changed the way Western men have, growing weaker, more emotional, less fertile, directionless, and with shortened lifespans, you’d conclude that whether by accident or through malice, your animals were being poisoned. You’d put all your effort into figuring out why. In a sane society, the question of what has happened to men would of interest to everyone. It’d be in the news nightly.
A few years ago my brother came back from a tour in Afghanistan, and it quickly became apparent that he'd brought the war home with him. Nightmares, an explosive temper. The military put him in therapy, which he's been in for years now. No pot, but CBD oil was recommended - I don't buy that that isn't a drug. In any case it seemed to calm him down. Yet, the therapy never seemed to end.
I've often thought precisely as you do, therapy is fake and gay. Every male therapist I've met is a soft spoken, uptalking spiritual catamite. What, I wondered, could such a person offer a blooded combat veteran? Surely it would be better to find a priest of severe countenance and dry humor, a man who understands but does not excuse the darkness of the human heart? Or to take refuge in the arms of a willing and sympathetic lady of the night ... the traditional companion of the soldier since time immemorial?
In ages past there was no such thing as PTSD. Perhaps modern warfare is uniquely capable of shattering a man's nerves. Yet the horrors and terrors of war are hardly new. In ages past, a soldier would return with his comrades - the bonds forged in battle were bonds for life. Now, they disperse to their various points of geographical origin, stripped of the ersatz tribe of their platoon and left to confront the demons they've returned with surrounded only by those who cannot comprehend them.
We won't slay dragons without aid from Heaven. We have to submit to the truth that there is a dimension higher than the psyche. The goal of every institution of modern society is to convince us that there isn't. As the author says, therapy is is a parody of Confession.
I generally agree, but I think that it is a mistake to blame individualism here. I would posit that the exact opposite is driving the problem: modern society demands men conform to the norms of the group, and that group must be one all encompassing one. If your group contains men and women, and they must all behave in the same manner, then you get the modern US issue of men forced to act like women who are acting like men.
I don't think individualism gets you there, unless we have different definitions for it. A focus on the needs of the individual makes modern therapy for males look insane, as you rightly point out. Modernity makes sense if you look at it from the perspective of the planner, looking to control groups of infinitely replaceable grey people who are equally blank slates.
Therapy, depression and mental health are all girly/gay topics that I never even think of and no man should. Being all sad all the time is for pussies. Removing mental health words from a man's vocabulary completely is the first step.
I suppose I can forgive your naivete, becasue you are young. I can only assume by your fairytale-esque view on gender that you have not experienced a long term relationship with a man.
In warror culture, the men went on raids and conquests and only consorted with women for domestic service (sexual releif, child-rearing, food preperation, etc). From a cultural point of view, this societal construct was designed for women to essentially produce more boys to be groomed as warriors in an unending and unrelenting quest for territory or bounty.
You could say that these aspects were tamed in the "modern" 1950's (e.g Man in the Gray Flannel Suit, Mad Men). But, is that what women really want? A Don Draper who has succeeded in "business conquest," but has no ability to emotionally connect in intimate relationships with his wife and kids?
I'm a pretty tough ass guy. My wife likes it when I put on the tool belt and build something. She likes the fact that I am a strong provider. I do wear the pants, so to speak. But she also likes kindness and sensitivity. Is that gay? Is getting help in talk-theapy for uncontrolable anger related to an abusive childhood also gay? Therapy did not emasculate me, it just made me more stable by processing my held feelings and emotions... that were bottled up in the first place, because of asanine cultural tropes like, "man-up, get-over it, and don't cry."
It's all about balance. Nothing wrong with "classical" gender roles. But, these can be opressive to both sexes... there is a dark side to limiting the expression of "humanness" which is beyond gender.
A recomendation... watch "Some Kind of Monster" on Netflix. Its about the band members of Metalica in group therapy. It might be interesting to you.
I don’t talk about my mental issues in confession, though. I talk about the sins I committed and receive absolution for them. I don’t go to therapy but I don’t think it serves the same purpose as confession at all. Confession isn’t where you talk about your need to wash your hands 50 times a day.
Megha all I have to say is thank you. This really hit home for me - “A modern man at unease with the world, is a man who is healthy. The degree to which he continues to resist it, is the degree to which his thymos is still alive.”
I find your writing to be an oasis in a barren land. I am tired but am not beaten! To know that there are women on our side is encouraging and appreciated.
Amazing article Megha, it really put to words exactly what I have been thinking and experiencing. As a man who was raised in a small town, in a conservative family, growing up and trying to find a place in the modern world is seemingly impossible. Everything I see around me screams that it's all wrong, I don't belong here.
Jul 20, 2023·edited Jul 21, 2023Liked by Megha Lillywhite
What a seriously insightful piece!
I agree 100% people are sick of this shit! It seems that from the time a boy is born people are trying to stick him into a box. If they don't get the desired outcome, they fault the boy. The boy is *not* the problem -- it's the fucking box!
The "stick people in a box" thinking is why so many people have been "diagnosed" with ADHD. It's nonsense, and it has to stop.
The problem is, now so many people have been brainwashed into believing this tripe that it's become complicated to get away from it, but we must!
If you have to homeschool, or virtual school your kids -- do it! Because sure as the world, your son will come home from government school calling himself Sally. And your daughter "Dave" will be transitioning into a fruitcake. Because that's what the government is pushing now.
They are/have passed laws in California and Washington -- to allow the state to take children away from their parents, if the parents don't support their child's "transition" to a different gender.
This shit is sick, the people behind it are sick, and the people at the top simply want to demoralize and fuck up as many families as possible. Because that's obviously the outcome. There's no world in which a child has surgery to permanently alter their body, and everything just "works out" and they're accepted. Why? Because *everyone* knows it's a lie -- even the kid having it done. And one day it's going to hit them, and when it does, they'll hit rock bottom -- and hard. They probably won't make it back.
Allowing a kid to permanently alter their body, because they're throwing a fucking tantrum -- is the literal opposite of parenting. And everyone instinctively knows this. Everyone can understand how allowing a kid that's too young to have a beer or drive a car -- shouldn't be in charge of life altering decisions, for themselves or other people. That's why we have laws that are age based.
All of this is seriously fucked up and *not* buying Budlight isn't going to fix this. People need to stand up, and push back against this shit everywhere they see it. Just don't go along with it.
This author isn't feminine at all. She's not nurturing or humble in any way. "Mainstream normies, bitch tears, tHeRaPy." Does anyone know a single feminine, healthy woman who writes in this way? I don't.
Simply brilliant article. I am a pastor, so I counsel people from the Bible. Many come to me with a therapeutic diagnosis. It becomes their identity. It's tough to help them identify not by their diagnosis, but being an image-bearer.
Who wrote this? Not someone who works with men or the mental health system. Having treated servicemen with trauma you work with male and female patients in different ways but depending on the individual’s needs and strength. CBT stands for cognitive BEHAVIOURAL therapy. You can use behavioural activation just as effectively to treat depression which apparently, according to this writer is all men are capable of. Most of the time they just need help to form connections and some empowerment and self-belief and they can heal.
Porn addiction, cannabis use, alcohol use and video games are not viewed as benign by any therapist worth their salt. We specifically screen and address that.
Yes society is pretty sick and emasculates men but it also defeminises women, makes the elderly redundant and sexualised children. It’s a global sickness and I think it started with the breakdown of connections between generations with the “teenager” phenomenon before the systematic emasculation and toxic feminism agenda stepped up. Not changing nappies is not a sign of masculinity. Both grandfathers were strong military men and both could do everything including manage the kids and change nappies because they were strong men. Men with unprocessed trauma become self-sabotaging and a lot of the time violent so until you can fix the whole of this societal sickness, don’t tell men therapy is for wimps because it may be a poor proxy for what came before but it’s all we have right now. I also recommend talking to some of the child soldiers from Uganda. Many have killed and raped, all deeply traumatised, and can recover with therapy. And homosexuality is accepted in that society. Not that I agree with the homophobic sentiments because gay men, with intact self esteem and identity, are just as masculine as any other.
Therapy isn't great for women either. However much we may like commiseration, rolling around in troubles is only useful for a little while. After that, it becomes toxic and binding. We also benefit from getting up and doing.
If you were raising animals and the males changed the way Western men have, growing weaker, more emotional, less fertile, directionless, and with shortened lifespans, you’d conclude that whether by accident or through malice, your animals were being poisoned. You’d put all your effort into figuring out why. In a sane society, the question of what has happened to men would of interest to everyone. It’d be in the news nightly.
A few years ago my brother came back from a tour in Afghanistan, and it quickly became apparent that he'd brought the war home with him. Nightmares, an explosive temper. The military put him in therapy, which he's been in for years now. No pot, but CBD oil was recommended - I don't buy that that isn't a drug. In any case it seemed to calm him down. Yet, the therapy never seemed to end.
I've often thought precisely as you do, therapy is fake and gay. Every male therapist I've met is a soft spoken, uptalking spiritual catamite. What, I wondered, could such a person offer a blooded combat veteran? Surely it would be better to find a priest of severe countenance and dry humor, a man who understands but does not excuse the darkness of the human heart? Or to take refuge in the arms of a willing and sympathetic lady of the night ... the traditional companion of the soldier since time immemorial?
In ages past there was no such thing as PTSD. Perhaps modern warfare is uniquely capable of shattering a man's nerves. Yet the horrors and terrors of war are hardly new. In ages past, a soldier would return with his comrades - the bonds forged in battle were bonds for life. Now, they disperse to their various points of geographical origin, stripped of the ersatz tribe of their platoon and left to confront the demons they've returned with surrounded only by those who cannot comprehend them.
We won't slay dragons without aid from Heaven. We have to submit to the truth that there is a dimension higher than the psyche. The goal of every institution of modern society is to convince us that there isn't. As the author says, therapy is is a parody of Confession.
I generally agree, but I think that it is a mistake to blame individualism here. I would posit that the exact opposite is driving the problem: modern society demands men conform to the norms of the group, and that group must be one all encompassing one. If your group contains men and women, and they must all behave in the same manner, then you get the modern US issue of men forced to act like women who are acting like men.
I don't think individualism gets you there, unless we have different definitions for it. A focus on the needs of the individual makes modern therapy for males look insane, as you rightly point out. Modernity makes sense if you look at it from the perspective of the planner, looking to control groups of infinitely replaceable grey people who are equally blank slates.
Therapy, depression and mental health are all girly/gay topics that I never even think of and no man should. Being all sad all the time is for pussies. Removing mental health words from a man's vocabulary completely is the first step.
I suppose I can forgive your naivete, becasue you are young. I can only assume by your fairytale-esque view on gender that you have not experienced a long term relationship with a man.
In warror culture, the men went on raids and conquests and only consorted with women for domestic service (sexual releif, child-rearing, food preperation, etc). From a cultural point of view, this societal construct was designed for women to essentially produce more boys to be groomed as warriors in an unending and unrelenting quest for territory or bounty.
You could say that these aspects were tamed in the "modern" 1950's (e.g Man in the Gray Flannel Suit, Mad Men). But, is that what women really want? A Don Draper who has succeeded in "business conquest," but has no ability to emotionally connect in intimate relationships with his wife and kids?
I'm a pretty tough ass guy. My wife likes it when I put on the tool belt and build something. She likes the fact that I am a strong provider. I do wear the pants, so to speak. But she also likes kindness and sensitivity. Is that gay? Is getting help in talk-theapy for uncontrolable anger related to an abusive childhood also gay? Therapy did not emasculate me, it just made me more stable by processing my held feelings and emotions... that were bottled up in the first place, because of asanine cultural tropes like, "man-up, get-over it, and don't cry."
It's all about balance. Nothing wrong with "classical" gender roles. But, these can be opressive to both sexes... there is a dark side to limiting the expression of "humanness" which is beyond gender.
A recomendation... watch "Some Kind of Monster" on Netflix. Its about the band members of Metalica in group therapy. It might be interesting to you.
I don’t talk about my mental issues in confession, though. I talk about the sins I committed and receive absolution for them. I don’t go to therapy but I don’t think it serves the same purpose as confession at all. Confession isn’t where you talk about your need to wash your hands 50 times a day.
Megha all I have to say is thank you. This really hit home for me - “A modern man at unease with the world, is a man who is healthy. The degree to which he continues to resist it, is the degree to which his thymos is still alive.”
I find your writing to be an oasis in a barren land. I am tired but am not beaten! To know that there are women on our side is encouraging and appreciated.
Amazing article Megha, it really put to words exactly what I have been thinking and experiencing. As a man who was raised in a small town, in a conservative family, growing up and trying to find a place in the modern world is seemingly impossible. Everything I see around me screams that it's all wrong, I don't belong here.
What a seriously insightful piece!
I agree 100% people are sick of this shit! It seems that from the time a boy is born people are trying to stick him into a box. If they don't get the desired outcome, they fault the boy. The boy is *not* the problem -- it's the fucking box!
The "stick people in a box" thinking is why so many people have been "diagnosed" with ADHD. It's nonsense, and it has to stop.
The problem is, now so many people have been brainwashed into believing this tripe that it's become complicated to get away from it, but we must!
If you have to homeschool, or virtual school your kids -- do it! Because sure as the world, your son will come home from government school calling himself Sally. And your daughter "Dave" will be transitioning into a fruitcake. Because that's what the government is pushing now.
They are/have passed laws in California and Washington -- to allow the state to take children away from their parents, if the parents don't support their child's "transition" to a different gender.
This shit is sick, the people behind it are sick, and the people at the top simply want to demoralize and fuck up as many families as possible. Because that's obviously the outcome. There's no world in which a child has surgery to permanently alter their body, and everything just "works out" and they're accepted. Why? Because *everyone* knows it's a lie -- even the kid having it done. And one day it's going to hit them, and when it does, they'll hit rock bottom -- and hard. They probably won't make it back.
Allowing a kid to permanently alter their body, because they're throwing a fucking tantrum -- is the literal opposite of parenting. And everyone instinctively knows this. Everyone can understand how allowing a kid that's too young to have a beer or drive a car -- shouldn't be in charge of life altering decisions, for themselves or other people. That's why we have laws that are age based.
All of this is seriously fucked up and *not* buying Budlight isn't going to fix this. People need to stand up, and push back against this shit everywhere they see it. Just don't go along with it.
This author isn't feminine at all. She's not nurturing or humble in any way. "Mainstream normies, bitch tears, tHeRaPy." Does anyone know a single feminine, healthy woman who writes in this way? I don't.
Wow. This article reads like a girl who’s high school crush was gay and she never moved on.
Simply brilliant article. I am a pastor, so I counsel people from the Bible. Many come to me with a therapeutic diagnosis. It becomes their identity. It's tough to help them identify not by their diagnosis, but being an image-bearer.
Unironically used “normies” in an essay, doesn’t get much worse than that. Dogshit essay, dogshit idéals.
Who wrote this? Not someone who works with men or the mental health system. Having treated servicemen with trauma you work with male and female patients in different ways but depending on the individual’s needs and strength. CBT stands for cognitive BEHAVIOURAL therapy. You can use behavioural activation just as effectively to treat depression which apparently, according to this writer is all men are capable of. Most of the time they just need help to form connections and some empowerment and self-belief and they can heal.
Porn addiction, cannabis use, alcohol use and video games are not viewed as benign by any therapist worth their salt. We specifically screen and address that.
Yes society is pretty sick and emasculates men but it also defeminises women, makes the elderly redundant and sexualised children. It’s a global sickness and I think it started with the breakdown of connections between generations with the “teenager” phenomenon before the systematic emasculation and toxic feminism agenda stepped up. Not changing nappies is not a sign of masculinity. Both grandfathers were strong military men and both could do everything including manage the kids and change nappies because they were strong men. Men with unprocessed trauma become self-sabotaging and a lot of the time violent so until you can fix the whole of this societal sickness, don’t tell men therapy is for wimps because it may be a poor proxy for what came before but it’s all we have right now. I also recommend talking to some of the child soldiers from Uganda. Many have killed and raped, all deeply traumatised, and can recover with therapy. And homosexuality is accepted in that society. Not that I agree with the homophobic sentiments because gay men, with intact self esteem and identity, are just as masculine as any other.
Therapy isn't great for women either. However much we may like commiseration, rolling around in troubles is only useful for a little while. After that, it becomes toxic and binding. We also benefit from getting up and doing.